10 Dec 2008 - A day when I have not heard her voice

Some times when you loose some thing you realize how important that thing was. I didnt talk to her the entire day. Missed her at every minute. Remembered her at every moment but didn't gave her a call.

What should I say to her ... I am sorry but some times that doesn't work...

Office was no good either ... seems some bigger problem is around the corner.. I didn't get promoted this time.. But what the heck... some times I feel I am not taking my professional life seriously and thats the reason no body else is also.. I am disappointed because I worked really hard this year to get through...

But any ways what to say now ... its over a years work is gone...

Did one good though .. bought new shoes ... planning to walk to national park and back to home ... should be around 4 km. tomorrow morning.. lets see

some times you feel so low about your self that when some body else is downgrades you it doesn't feel too bad. The same happened in office. I am so messed up about my self that it doesn't feel too bad

My boss, My friend too.. got promoted ... really happy for him .. he deserved it .. he has waited too long for it.

I am writing it for my love. When she would start loving me back and she wants to know what I thought when I was not with her. I would show her this blogs

Good Night ... pray for me that I wake for a walk tomorrow morning.

I am a coward

Hi,

There are somethings that you want to say but dont want any one to hear that ... well this is one of them.

I accept it today I am a coward.

I have a girl friend who is too good for me. she is beautiful, smart, sexy and sharp. A kind of girl any body on this world die for. Problem is I am ugly, weak and some way a coward.

I love her and there are no doubts about that... she loves me too but the problem is my defects are now becoming unbearable for her and even for myself.

I didn't respect her dignity in front of this world. I am sorry for that.

Its said that when you ask God for thing he surely gives you that. I never asked for courage and strength because all my life I was so weak that it was always about survival. I always thought once I survive this thing I would work on my weakness but time never allowed me to do that.

I was born in a lower middle class family. My parents are great enough to give me decent education. But I was born as a weak boy. Never had any extra muscle. I never had any friends in my childhood because for me it was about survival than enjoyment. I never knew life can be fun because I thought I would study and get good scores and it will solve every thing for me in life.

But to be honest that was never the case.

I went for higher education to a better city but at that point I discovered life is not about just scoring marks and moving ahead.. there is some thing more to it... It was hard for me to digest that... I started lacking behind because when I would cycle for 5 km and go to school I was already too tired to study. that became a vicious loop and I got into it.

Then a tragedy struck. One of my creaters was given the death sentence by God. I was scared to hell and so was hell. I have heard him cring on the terrace for his life and that scared me a lot. It actually impacted me a lot. I started loving him as it was no tommorow. I started becoming more defensive.

Life always shows you things you never expected. Life again started becoming beautiful because rather than thinking of many a things, I started thinking how to make my dad happy because he has too little time to see it. Believe its a tough thing to do because your heart is crying .. I would say bleeding from inside thinking that he is going to die but you still want to show him all the happiness in the world. But in a way to was fun because I knew I had to make him happy as soon as possible.

I got in to a decent college, got new friends. But one day I saw this girl. She was amazing she had something about her that made her special to me. she sounded great and she smelled even better. I started admiring her.

I thought she was out my league and in some ways I was right too. Problem was she never saw that. We started interacting and she was impressed by my thoughts and knowledge.. the only things I have till now.

I started loving her and she also reciprocated. But I never knew there are many a things a guy must have other than love to make a girl happy, mostly importantly strength and courage. I had nither of them. I even didnt had the looks that would make the world think that I had strength and courage. I am 5'4 ,45 kgs and a real ugly guy for a girl to love. Some times I feel why did God made me both weak and ugly, he could have made me either of them. But its not always the way you want it to be.

People started making fun of her because she was seen with me. They started making indecent comments on her. A thing she could never stand and you would not believe when I would say that I coundnt either. You have all the rights not to believe me. On one hand I had a dad who was dying and on other hand I had a girl friend whom I couldnt even protect. I couldnt do anything about either of them. I have all the shame in the world but no other option to say that I was impotent coward. Sometimes you want to do a thousand things but dont have the courage and strength to do it. Am I justifing myself by saying that ??? No I am not but its important for me to say all this I would come back to the reason.

My Gf was angry on me and she has not only the rights to get angry on me but even the rights to kill me. Because I should have never ever wasted her life by bringing her to my life when I was so bad.

But then the day came that I would never forget in my life. My father passed away and that was the end of my life. To be honest the day after that I have never felt happy after that day. I have spent 4 years with him waiting for his death each day. I knew it was bound to happen but when it happened I was shattered. I have never felt and may be will never feel so bad.

The only thing that was left in my life was my gf... but here anger towards me was growing day by day because I couldnt protect her against the verbal abuses of people. I couldnt stand up for her.

Please I beg on you if you are reading to spit on me because I atleast deserve that.

Now even after four years she is with me. But she is still angry on me.

We are going to get married but really speaking I have not earned her respect as a husband or even as a boy friend.

I wish I would die and she gets some body better than me in life. Please God if you are listening this please do some miracle and get her some body better.

What can I say at the end of this... should I have stood upto my gf's honour?? should I have tried some thing better for my father?? I should have but I didnt

Every time I have a fight with her I feel do I have the rights to differ from her after what I did to her ?? Even she feels that I dont. Some way I also feel I dont.

I am weak but I cannt live a life in which I feel so so so bad about my self. I see my friends are happy with there better halfs at least they get the respect from them.

I know you would say I will have oppurtuinities to change things then I should but I am tired.

I dont know what to do... should I die and end this misery. May be I should and may be I shouldnt.

At the end, I would like to thank three people in life. My mother for doing every thing she can for me. My father for giving me this life.

And My gf... she is a amazing amazing person... more then I love her I admire her and she is like a dream that came true in my life but I was too weak to protect her.

Now comes the bigger question: why am I disclosing it? Well I am doing this to free my self and my soul. I had been tring to hide that I had not been a coward. But after what I did to my gf I am.

Any one who reads this blog I have one request... please accept my apology and pray for me that I would be so strong one day that my gf wouldnt be ashamed of me. I dont ask God to make her in love with me but I ask her to forgive me at some point.

I also want to disclose this to all my friends and family that she is right in the way she thinks and I wanted to tell every body that its not she who is wrong but its rather me

I wish I wouldnt have to write this.

Thank you for your time.

Money a boon or the biggest curse

Money.....

A simple story

A was a farmer

B was a shepherd

A produced the grains/vegetables.

B produced the diary content/wool/meat.

You would have guessed A wanted B's products and vice versa.

Things were fine and simple.

But then came C

C knew how to mint Gold.

Gold was hard to mint than to cultivate grains and milking cows.

And the quantity was also very less.

So they didn't know how to exchange C's products with A's and B's

Again, honestly at that point none of them knew how to use "gold" (believe me today also 90% of earth's population doesn't know how to use "gold"). But some unknown virus got in them and made them think that is the most important thing on earth.

And hell broke all A's and B's of the world wanted to have gold.

As it became very complex for them to map the non usable goods Gold,Diamond,Silver to map to the usable goods food,shelter,cloth... a new hero came into the picture "MONEY"

This was taught to solve all the mapping problems.

But instead it created most complex system of all.

Money never meet its original goal of mapping different things. Thats why other concepts like saving, investment, inflation, market, sensex came to existence.

Now as the things grew everybody wanted money... no body longed for grains,no body for cloths...every body wants a single thing that is money.

Is that wrong?

Its of course wrong. Humans are now learning to do one thing and one thing only, to earn money.
Many of us do only one thing in our entire life that is to earn money.

Just think the amount of time you spent in thinking how would you go rich, how would you invest, how would save more money. We never ever think of any thing else

Mind You I am no exception !!!

But we are making our life useless.

Believe me there there is no solution to this. Not as of now.

But there would if would change thinking.

Humans want to control everything in life, we need to understand that there is nothing that we can control.

Lets say you saved 1 million in cash and the country disintegrates. All the money is just simple paper.

Same goes with land or whatever you invest in.

Invest in your self. Invest in your happiness. Invest in your satisfaction. Because that would be there.

If you want to go a step further invest in science, invest in humanity,

When I say invest its not money, its your time, your mind, your body and your heart.

We need to step above money start thinking how can we go beyond our home "Earth". We would need a new habitation and if don't find it soon we would be in trouble some day.

Thanks

Nikunj Raval

Is there any existence of world other than your self?

Let me introduce myself. I am person who might not achieve any thing in life… so if you looking for a winner you might not be at the right place.

From my childhood I always liked one thing … thinking…. Just thinking. When I was in my primary school I liked to think a lot, you would not believe on the spectrum of subjects I thought. Anyways that’s a long time.

I would share most of the thoughts in my latter blogs. But for starters this is a subject that I use to think a lot.

Do other people really exist or it’s the biggest conspiracy of the universe. Did it ever occur to you that it might be a conspiracy of the ONE.

I could never trust the existence of my parents. Are they really present or are they a myth. How can I trust that they are even present or they are just myths that ONE created for my view. May be its some thing like when I am home they are there and when I go they become non existent. It may be some thing like a view that ONE has created for me to perceive some thing as parents.

Don’t you feel that too??? May be I am some sort of non existent blogger for you who really doesn’t exist. I may be some person who is just there to put this thought in your mind.

I may be wrong I mean who would ever do some thing like this. But then I came you with another theory not exactly supporting this but may be in relevance.

I hope some one reads this one.

I will try to post a few more of my theories lets see if some one is reading or I may say I am perceived that some one is reading but any ways that would be important for me because you want listeners if you want to speak :)

Mail me if you want to take this further.

Nikunj